Monday, February 2, 2009

my story

You're 28. You're 28 and you wake up one morning only to realize your body has betrayed you. It hits you like a punch in the face. Someone's cruel joke and you wait for it to end but it doesn't. The truth is staring you right in the face: you're infertile. Broken. Not working. Empty and hollow.
You're put on this earth for a reason. To be someone's mommy. You look at your husband, who's perfect in so many ways- you feel like you cheated him- "I can't give you a baby! Sorry for wasting your time on me, what EVER gave you the impression I can carry your child?" reality wakes you up every morning and you stare down at your flat tummy. Oh god another day, please make it a good one.
So you get a dog. He's cute and cuddly. Doesn't really look like you, or your husband. People show you pictures of their babies and you show them pictures of your dog. Almost- but not quite.
Anyone here with the same problem? You didn't think so. Maybe there is but where are they? Where's the rest of the statistics? Are they hiding? Are they ignoring you? You want to hear their story, but where are they?
You want to hide but at the same time you want to scream! You sit at your OBGYN's office and listen to big bellies talking around you. "We just found out it's a boy!" and you? What's your story? Why are you here? "Oh me? I'm infertile. Yeah my tubes are blocked. Doc doesn't really know why".
Your OBGYN dumps you today. Said you have to go see a specialist and that he can't help you anymore. You didn't even know your OBGYN is allowed to dump you. Oh it’s just another rejection! You're used to that by now. You get one every 28 days.
So you go see a specialist who yawns and says "we have to go in!" ok so go in. and oh by the way: your uterus is tilted, one ovary is bigger than the other, your tubes are blocked with fluid and you have an RH negative type blood. God, while you're at it- could you throw in a cyst or polycystic ovary syndrome? Just for shits and giggles?
So you turn to your religion and hang a "mezuzah" on your bedroom threshold. Does god know when you are ovulating?
You read about other couples like you on the internet. They are sending you babydust. Babydust! Thank you so much! Can babydust open your blocked fallopian tubes? Can you just use "Drano"? Plumbing is plumbing everywhere isn't it?
God, just let it be a good day! Throw me a bone here!
Work. Yes work will get your mind off it. So you go to work. Your office is a plane. A plane full of babies. Crying babies. But you still want one. You walk around the terminal and everyone looks at you. Your uniform and wings are your precious materialistic achievement. Where's your real one? Yeah Rio, Tel Aviv, Amsterdam and Madrid are nice places. But you get off the plane and step into your hotel room and again: it's just you. All by yourself. All by your infertile self. And a bag of tampons.
So you pick up smoking again as a way to punish your body. You stop taking folic acid cause let's face it- what is that going to do besides turning your poop black?
You shop around for ovulation predictor kits when really all you want to do is buy diapers. You buy your friends kids clothing. Tiny tiny clothing. But you do it fast as if it's not you standing in the baby department with a broken heart, it's somebody else. A pregnant person you don't know.
You tell all your "just married" friends: do it. Do it now. Don't wait. Look at me! Nature can betray you just like it betrayed me. But they giggle and fly off to India and Australia for their never ending honeymoon.
Isn't it funny how you thought you'd get off the pill and immediately conceive? Isn't it funny how 15 year old girls get pregnant when their ignorant partners put condoms on backwards? And isn't it funny how people who should not be legal guardians of a hamster are making babies just by having their partners sneeze on them? And isn't it funny how you can unbelievably hate a word you couldn't even pronounce yesterday? Hydrosalpinx- The Dead Sea. Trapped fluid in your fallopian tubes that will not only hinder you from getting pregnant but will also spit on your newly implanted fetus you spend so much money on when doing IVF, disabling him completely and flushing him out of your body.You hate your body, your Jewish luck and every pregnant woman who ever walked the earth. You become bitter, self absorbed, desperate, empty and angry. You don't wish this on your enemies. You want to wake up from this nightmare. Will you ever? Maybe. Hopefully. One day.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Oshi

    Thanks for stopping by my blog today. I have to say - you write so well! I'm sorry you find yourself here, among us, the un-glamorous, the unpopular infertiles that stalk the earth, holding on to whatever form of hope we can.

    I hope to follow your journey and I hope that there are many many diapers and kids clothes and little babies in your future. Whichever way.